I am sorry shocked embarrassed to say that I struggle to not think of my body in the context of fat OR skinny.
Of course, there is a huge grey scale of bodies, mine included, that fall between “skinny” and “fat” yet I still fight the voice in my head that says “if you’re not skinny than you must be fat”.
It’s really just a language issue.
And a personal issue.
A few times over the last year I’ve gotten the comment that someone liked my body because I’m “not skinny”. It was incredibly genuine and not meant to be anything but a complement and a comment on my strength and fitness. I heard it for what it was and appreciated it, yet this little voice in my head still nagged “they are saying you’re not skinny Faith, if you’re not skinny you must be…the F word”.
I was a fat kid for a few years, my memory is from about 8-11 I was heavier than I really needed to be. My memory is that I was eating to much; I was a grumpy pre-pubescent with thick bones, dense muscle, and a big appetite. I wasn’t very comfortable with my chubbiness, which was pointed out by several of my parents friends, and didn’t understand yet that my body would be many great things but skinny was not in my destiny nor ultimately a healthy goal for me.
A few days ago I had a little interaction with someone, kinda like with the dance costumes, that made me question how I see myself. I was shook to realize that I kinda reverted to 9-year-old chubby little me when a dear friend, intended as a complement, pointed out that I’m not skinny. My first reaction was definitely a bit of “Wtf? You don’t point that out to a woman. Especially a dancer, especially a fit woman who obviously prides herself on staying ‘in shape’ and being healthy”. As I thought about it more I realized how it really bummed me out that still when I am referred to/complemented as not skinny that my mind twists it around to being called fat.
Of course, I know I’m not fat. I’m not skinny either. Don’t plan on ever being either. I’m also not fat or skinny bashing in writing this, I’m merely recognizing what I see as my own, personal, not always so healthy, relationship with both words, particularly skinny.
Just what is the grey scale between fat and skinny? Lean, strong, thick, fit, solid, thin, full, heavy, muscular, soft, round, curvy? All these are good physical descriptions but is it just me or do they not carry the same cultural relevance, weight, and definitiveness as fat and skinny?
Come to think of it, do fat and skinny actually even exist? Think how few people in your life you would describe as “fat” or “skinny” if asked the first physical adjective to come to mind when describing them.
I broke it down for myself the other day, had a little “come to jesus” moment in my head. I said, “Faith, skinny refers to having a lack of body fat and very little muscle strength and density. Fat refers to having an excess of body fat and very little muscle strength and density. Take away the cultural overtones and the emotions. You don’t fit either of those descriptions. Not even close to either. Most people don’t. There is nothing derogatory or negative about being called fat, skinny or anything in-between, unless that is the way it is intended.”
Truthfully I’m a bit embarrassed to admit I’ve given it this much thought but the older I get the more I realize; we’re all in this together and for most people, especially women, this includes being acutely aware of where you fall on the long line between skinny and fat.
Please understand that I am generally quite content, happy, and proud of my shape, weight, and size these days, however the idea that I still cringe at the thought that I’m not skinny makes me…cringe.
So where does all this soul searching and word ruminating get me? Honestly, it’s started to shift the way I think about my body. It’s helping me more fully embrace what I am (thick, muscular, soft and curvy in a few key spots, strong, dense, small, proportional, and fit to name some off the top of my head) and let go of any attachment or emotion to what I’m not; fat or skinny.
To choose one word as a physique descriptor for you, I would select: FIT
I agree with papa. I learned of your blog through Kath’s blog. I added it to my reader because of your varied approach to fitness and I identify with some of the health items you have addressed. From one woman to another, you look amazing. Be proud of how fit you are. You wear it well.
Thanks for writing Dawn and thanks for the compliment, I really appreciate it. I am proud of my body and quite pleased with it, I’m not proud of any attachment I have left to the idea that it would be good for me to be “skinny” and that’s what I want to let go of.
It’s all a matter of perspective. Every time I see you I think, “damn she’s skinny!” But more than that I think you are one of the healthiest, strongest, most athletic and beautiful people I know and it radiates out of you. You literally glow. It’s all semantics anyway. Skinny is just a word. How you feel is the most important thing.
Whenever i see you i think “damn, she’s gorgeous!”. Truly.
Thank you for writing, I love the idea of glowing because I don’t think you can do that unless you are comfortable in your own skin.
So I had a response and lost it to I pad woes! Faith this is THE most important and intelligent and intimate blog you have ever posted! Kudos! Just the other day another 62 year old relatively petite and fit and ideal weight woman and I were lamenting about our prejudice and judgement about FAT and fat people. Though we regretted our disrespect for the human within, our conversation whittled down to the basics of “fat”. Neither of us take any drugs for any condition, we practice Yoga and lead active lives . (Unlike an alarming number of our peers who have already chosen to ” let themselves go” and chosen the fat related designer disease of their eventual demise). Fat cells inhibit All of that and more! They crowd your organs and inhibit your movement and literally suck the life out of you as you age!
News this week a miss America Contestant @5’8″ and a size 4! Was being lauded as a real woman with real curves! The average American woman is 5’4″ and size 10 or 12! ENOUGH SAID! Thank you Faith you make your mama proud!
P.S. My friend from above is 4’11” about 110 pounds and bitterly complained about her belly spare tire! Body image trumps All! So feel good ladies. FEEL FIT AND STRONG,
Having been a very chubby kid and pre-teen, (to the extreme that we shopped in the chubby dept at local dept stores) I can certainly relate to your body feelings growing up. Even had a nasty nickname from an aunt and uncle emphasizing this. To this day I can’t think of a single female friend who isn’t on a perpetual “diet” to either lose or maintain weight. I’m guilty of it as well, but have also become strong and fit and extremely comfortable with what I am for my age. Likely a lesson I’ve learned from my mom, your grandma! You are beautiful and strong with a passion for a healthy lifestyle which seems to be creating a wonderful life for you. Continue inspiring others with your blogs and classes. We’ll plank together next weekend!
Amen.