cervical dysplasia

Colposcopy Round 2

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On March 4th I went in for my second colposcopy.

Since finding out in the beginning of December that I was again having abnormal cell growth on my cervix I went back and forth several times on my plan of action.  I knew from my previous research and experience that cell changes on the cervix are generally slow moving. Last time I dealt with this issue it was over two years between my first abnormal pap and my colposcopy and LEEP procedure.  However the memory of severe damage (CIN III or the last stage before cancer, not that it always turns to cancer from this point but it is the stage least likely to reverse itself) was still enough to kick my ass into googling like a mad woman and weighing my options.

As I saw it I had four choices; do nothing, get a colposcopy right away, go with a natural treatment plan, or go with a natural treatment plan for a set length of time then get a colposcopy.

I went with option four.  After much research I settled on a nutritional supplementation plan that consists of medicinal doses of beta carotene, folic acid, vitamin c, green tea extract, wheat grass, selenium (by way of one brazil nut a day), olive leaf extract, and grapefruit seed extract.  It is a small handful of pills that I dutifully swallow each day as I say a little wish that they will help me heal and be healthy.

My intention had been to wait until May to get the colpo but by mid-February I was feeling consumed by concern and fear and decided I needed to get it over with and move on to the next step, whatever that was.

When I called the clinic to make an appointment the first person I talked with changed her tone from all-business to sympathetic when I told her I was booking a colpo.  She said I’d have to speak with a nurse for that.  The nurse also changed her tone from cheery to sympathetic when I told her why I was calling.  When I hung up the phone I burst into tears.

I know many women reading this are facing getting a colpo themselves so I’ll give you the details from my experience.  The recommendation is no sex for 24-48 hours before your appointment.  I read a few places that you may want to take an ibuprofen a few hours before your appointment, I didn’t.  Once I was taken into the treatment room I was weighed, my blood pressure was checked, and I had to take a pregnancy test, the standard stuff.  The colpo is performed very much like a pap/annual exam, same table, same nakedness, same cold speculum.  The difference is that instead of taking a swab like a pap, the practitioner uses a vinegar solution to dye your cells and then looks at them under a microscope.

The vinegar felt very mildly uncomfortable but not bad, pretty much just the normal discomfort of a speculum and someone looking at your vagina under a microscope.  After my practitioner looked for a minute or so she said “I’m not really seeing much of anything here that concerns me”.

I exhaled.

“But I’m going to go ahead and take a biopsy just to be on the safe side.”  This means to her eye it didn’t seem like much but she wanted to send samples to the lab to have a closer look.  I’m not sure if she would have made the same call if I didn’t have a history of CINIII, my instincts are that she was being cautious.

I’m not going to mince words, the biopsy part-the part where she snipped off little chunks of my cervix-that fucking sucked.  My whole pelvis region felt incredibly pissed off, bad cramping through the front, sides, and back.  She said it would last about ten seconds and that was about how long the worst of it lasted but I was hurting for the rest of the day.  After she snipped two chunks, one from the opening of the cervix and one from the inside, she dabbed something on those spots to help them heal, removed the speculum, and sent me on my way, saying she’d call within a week with the results.

I had very mixed emotions as I hobbled away (my pelvis was still crampy and painful) from the clinic. Relief that is was over was the most prevalent but also mixed in were feelings of regret.  Regret. Silly, eh? I was absolutely relieved when my practitioner said she was concerned but it also made me realize that I let myself get scared and stressed and that I didn’t give my body very much time to heal itself, which it has a great ability to do, especially from mild cases of dysplasia and with nutritional/lifestyle support.

I spent the rest of the day in bed with a heating pad feeling both emotionally drained and uncomfortable.  If you have to get a colposcopy I highly recommend taking the rest of the day off if possible.  Different women have very different experiences but I was very glad I had gotten a sub for my afternoon exercise classes (some doctors advise you not to vigorously exercise for the rest of the day to minimize infection risks) and was able to rest and honestly wallow a little. By the next morning I felt totally fine and ready to get back to my day-to-day.

You can expect a bit of weird discharge for up to a week (mine only lasted 2 days or so and wasn’t much) as the vinegar solution comes out.  I’d read (and remembered from last time) that many docs recommend no sex (really nothing up in there) for at least a week while the biopsy sites heal.

Two days after the procedure my practitioner called me. I stopped everything I was doing (including breathing) when the number popped up.  She said “good news Faith, there was only the most mild case of cell damage so we’re not concerned.  Come back in a year for a follow up pap.”

Huge sigh of relief.

Since my second abnormal pap in Spring 2011 I have been going in for paps, colposcopy’s, and the LEEP every 3-6 months which means it’s been pretty hard to get it out of my mind for an extended period of time.  Hearing that I didn’t need to follow up again for a full year was the best news.  I will continue with my nutritional supplementation but am determined to let go of a lot of the stress around this situation.

Please continue to share your stories, concerns, and questions if you’ve gone through anything similar.  It’s a very common issue but one that can be difficult to talk about and can cause a LOT of stress.  My heart goes out to any woman in my type of scenario, sending you lots of love.

 

Oversharing

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I had decided not to write this post.

I decided it was to personal.

I decided it was irrelevant to those not going through something similar.

I decided that based on the mixed feedback I have received from those very close to me about my choice to share this experience, and the way I’ve shared it, I was obviously over-sharing.

I decided that for such a deeply private person it was a little odd for me to be writing so publicly about my vagina.

But then this morning I found this comment waiting for me;

after being told in April of 2013 I had hpv and pap was abnormal my life stopped, I was 39 years old. I went through two colposcopes, then it was leep time there was moderate dysplasia between 11 and 1. It is now March 10th 2014 the day for the leep so for now a year almost my life stopped. I go in and it hurt so bad I can’t even cope, no bleeding or discharge yet but some mild cramping and it was three days ago. I do t understand if you still have the hpv virus what keeps it from coming right back. I’m so scared and confused. The emotional feelings I had overcome me after the procedure was worse then the pain though. Help me cope with this.

I cried a little, then felt incredible overwhemed, then felt so sad that I really didn’t know how to respond.  I have been begging for an answer on how to cope with the stress, confusion, pain, and fear around cervical dysplasia for over two years.  I’ve come up short.

I can say that writing about it does help. It some how makes me feel less emotional and attached to the whole experience.  Talking about things like this some times stresses me out even more but writing has proved to be very cathartic.

I can say that hearing “I went through it, it’s not a big deal!” doesn’t help.  I am thrilled that some women have this experience, for me it’s been a fucking nightmare.

I can say that having an incredibly warm, concerned, and compassionate female practitioner has helped.

I can say that allowing myself to wallow in self-pity for a bit helps. Sobbing my face off and acting like the world revolves around me helps a little.

You know what else helps? Taking a few deep breaths and remembering that there are millions and millions of people around the world facing much harder things than I am right now and that in the huge spectrum of shit going “wrong” with our bodies I am in pretty good shape.

On the other hand, I can say that my main fear and concern and sadness around this whole thing is not that I will have a cancer that spreads through my body but that I will have difficulty being able to have children and when you put it that way it sounds like a pretty huge thing.

**(Just to be clear, the reason I say both of these things is not because cancer doesn’t sound horrible and scary but because even in the extreme case of cervical dysplasia transitioning to cervical cancer it is still usually slow growing and not to complicated to treat.  As far as baby making, from all the research that I have found and from what I’ve heard from my doctors there is only a very small chance that my history of cervical dysplasia, including having the LEEP procedure, will effect my ability to get pregnant, carry a baby, and have a healthy delivery.  However, a small chance is still a sad thing and our reproductive organs are pretty precious and bring up a lot of emotion.  There is also the worst case scenario that if the dysplasia gets very bad and/or becomes cancerous it is possible to need to remove to much of your cervix to then sustain a healthy pregnancy (and a full hysterectomy is necessary in extreme cases). This is not where I am at with it, nor where I ever hope or plan to be, but unfortunately it is difficult to avoid that “worst case” thought process when dealing with health concerns.)

I can also say that being good, nice, and kind to myself helps.  Sometimes I’ve found myself being angry with this part of my body, feeling like it failed me, or worse wondering what I did to provoke or deserve this kind of grumpiness from the cells. That definitely doesn’t help.

Lastly, I want to say a huge thank you to all the (over 100 at this point) women who have written me and shared their experience with cervical dysplasia.  It’s easy to feel alone in this experience and easy to wonder if I’m being a wuss (this thought has crossed my mind many times). I appreciate each and every one of you for writing in (and those who haven’t written but are going through this as well) and helping me cope.

I had decided not to write this post.  I had decided to stop oversharing. But you kept writing and I was reminded that community is even more important than ever when you are facing a hardship and in a small way I felt obligated to each of you to continue being honest and open and share my experience.

Speaking of my experience, I had another colposcopy.  More on that in the next post because this thing is getting loooong.