feminism

The Compliment is in the Ear of the Receiver

Leave a Comment

I stumbled upon this article, “The Harmful Body Image ‘Compliment’ We Need to Stop Giving” on Hello Giggles, a few hours ago.

My first reaction was “right on, you go Mia Micozzi, I’m all for bashing negative self-talk and as a feminist (I am, aren’t I?) I’m obviously anti-objectification of women too…right?”

While I see the authors point, and applaud her for talking about body image, I happen to have had the opposite experience as her and actually find the “but men like it that way” argument to be potentially insightful and even helpful

We are often our own harshest critics and thus taking to heart sincere complements and feedback from others about how they see us can be help shift our own self-perspectives in a healthy way.

This morning my husband was sweetly and sincerely complementing me on how much he liked the way the jeans I was wearing look on me.  I offhandedly replied that I had bought them when we were living in Peru and that they didn’t look nearly as good on me then because I was about 10-15 pounds heavier than now.  He gave me a kind of sad and confused look and I realized that was an unnecessary and unhealthy thing for me to have said.

Tate and I have talked several times about how living in Peru was a hard time for me for a multitude of reasons, one being that I was, for my comfort level, overweight.  Every time it comes up he reminds me that he truly doesn’t remember that, not like he wasn’t paying attention but like he found me just as attractive, healthy, and fit as ever.

Last night a “naturally” thin and gorgeous friend commented how she’d never seen me naked but was sure I looked good judging from what she has seen of me.

(Okay, this is obviously out of context, it started around those naked celeb pics that leaked recently then went on from there to a fine art dance photo shoot I did recently where I was maybe going to be nekked (ended up in nude bra and underwear) then onto talking about how our young-thirtysomething year old bodies look even better than when we were in our twenties…anyway…)

My point is; this friend is petite and thin and lovely and cellulite free and stretch mark free and well proportioned and I am always a little surprised when she sees me as having a hot body. We’re similar heights but I’ve probably got about 20 pounds on her in thick bones, thick muscles, and straight up body fat.  At 5 foot 3 inches I often feel like a little person however next to her smallness I become aware of my…density.

Her comment brought to light some of my own distorted ideas of personal ideals.  For whatever f’ed up reason I figured that since she is lithe that would also be her idea of what looks good naked.

I’ve experienced this from the other side too, like admiring how great a friend looks in a bikini and being surprised when she expresses a distaste her her stretch marks because I don’t found them unattractive in the least.  Yet I find the marks on my own hips, butt, and breasts rather distracting and unfortunate.

Call me objectified but I am fine with admitting that other people’s (men and women, but men have most definitely made it well known that they “like it that way”) admiration of my round, strong, ample ass has made me see past it’s stretch marks, cellulite, and blemishes (tmi?) and develop some serious booty-licious confidence about my derriere.

Similarly, my tummy-ideals shifted after an old boyfriend told me that he didn’t care for the oft coveted “six-pack” abs on women and that he found my strong, thick, muscular, and a bit soft with a few rolls mid-section to be “perfect”.   On the same note, men letting me know that they liked my (as I see them) stubby and thick thighs and tiny tits has given me a new appreciation and acceptance for body parts that I haven’t always been thrilled with.

Allowing myself to “be objectified” has actually helped me get over some impossible standards that I was holding on to; a fat-free six-pack is not realistic for me nor is a small butt, and only good things can come from being comfortable and feeling attractive in my skin and I am only grateful that my husband is ready and willing to remind me that I am hot to him no matter how thick or thin.

So while I agree it’s bullshit to say “but men like it that way” as a means of creating self-acceptance perhaps we can use the reflection and perspective of others to find a kinder, gentler, more realistic way to treat ourselves and look at our own body’s.  It’s absolutely incredibly important to have a healthy self-esteem from the inside out but I don’t think that I’m alone in being very susceptible to other people’s (and media! and culture!) opinions and perspectives.

Let’s make a goal of cultivating positive self-talk, both in our heads and out-loud, and by all mean’s, women AND men, let’s keep the sincere flattery and positive affirmations about body image coming.

A Feminist and a Homemaker

14 Comments

Years ago, when I was barely 17 years old, I trained to become a whitewater raft guide.  I was the youngest person at the company because you can’t start guiding until you are 18 but I wanted to spend the summer on the river.

There were many strong and independent women who worked there.  One particular woman, a divorcee of 23 or 24, made an impression on me.  She was so fierce and confident and womenly and worldly.

One day she off-handedly said to me, after accepting an offer from one of our 19 year-old male co-workers to carry a particularly heavy cooler, “I’m a feminist except when it’s in my best interest not to be”.

Almost 14 years later and this quote still regularly resurfaces in my mind.

Over the long course of my relationship with my now-husband certain roles have emerged in our household.  Super-stereo-typical roles.  I do most of the cooking and house keeping.  He does most of the work involving the car, the roof, heavy lifting, or major power tools.

I’m okay with this.

In fact, it’s how I like it.

I don’t feel any less empowered as a human because anything involving technology makes my eyes glaze over.  I am confident in my ability to problem solve and if left to my own devices, I could get whatever needs done, done.  But Tate actually enjoys that stuff and we’ve found a happy division of labor that makes sense to us.

I am a feminist.  I’m also a happy homemaker.  Creating a comfortable and healthy home for my family is high on my list of priorities and fills me with satisfaction.

The feminist movement was vital in allowing me this satisfaction and choice.  I am absolutely a product of my generation and am painfully aware that had my husband and I been born even a decade earlier we may have fought these traditional roles tooth and nail so as not to perpetuate the inequality that is still an issue in America.

I will forever be grateful to my tractor-driving mother and my gentle father, who is the biggest feminist I know.  They both demonstrated traditional and non-traditional roles as parents while remaining nurturing and open-minded.

window cold frame

Tate, making me the cold frame I requested for seedlings.  We went over the design together then he did the work.

Make no mistake about, I am horrified at the inequality between men and women that is still part of every day life in America. The government is still one huge ass good ‘ol boys club trying to keep their hands in women’s reproductive rights, among many other things that is not their business.

I am a feminist and it’s always in my best interest to be one.