It’s been a crazy summer.
Life has lead me down some interesting paths lately and along the way I’ve discovered and re-read a few of my old journals from junior high and high school.
These little hand-written books reveal a me that I’d all but forgotten about. I look back on that girl I was and feel a little sad. She was so discontent. She was self-conscious and insecure. She was also calm, brave, independent, and self-assured, which I think (and hope) is the majority of what people saw. But reading back over the journals I am struck by the self-loathing.
Pretty sad, eh?
I think so, but I also think it’s incredibly common. The teenage years are insanely challenging and I think it’s unfortunately common to experience this type of discontent.
Luckily, I am looking back on that version of myself from a very happy and healthy place. If I could scoop little me up in a big hug I would tell her that there will be a time when she is totally in love with life and with herself. I would tell her that these feelings are normal but not necessary. I would tell her that her body is just right the way it is and that the only way to wear a bikini is with a generous slather of confidence. I would tell her that the joy of self-confidence is a greater reward than the pain of insecurity. I would tell her that all she can ever be is her and she deserves the best. I would tell her that confidence is like that magic penny; hold it close and you won’t have any, lend it, spend it and you’ll have so many they’ll roll all over the floor. I would tell her to go out and live with a full moon in each eye and propose to the world “love me and I’ll love you right back”.
With That Moon Language
Everyone you see, you say to them,
Of course you do not do this out loud;
Someone would call the cops.
Still though, think about this,
This great pull in us to connect.
Why not become the one
Who lives with a full moon in each eye
That is always saying,
With that sweet moon
What every other eye in this world
Is dying to
Hafiz (translated by Daniel Ladinsky)